So bad it made me wish I was listening to Limp Bizkit instead

[The scene opens on a rehearsal space somewhere in Russia. Five guys who define the term “ageing rocker” are sitting around the room]

Roman Nevelev: Hey Koha, we’ve been playing these bad 80s power ballads for years and we are still not rock stars! What to do?

[Konstantin “Koha”Shustarev puts down his crack pipe]

Koha: I know! I will write list of people to sing and play on album, then I shall ring Rock Headquarters in America. They will help us. [writes list]

Dmitriy Losev: [reads list] Steve Vai? Nuno Bettencourt? Billy Gibbons? Joe Bona-fucking-massa? What do I play on album now?

Koha: Hahah. You funny.

[Cut to Rock Headquarters. The phone rings]

Keri Kelli: Yo, Rock Headquarters! Hiya, Koha. The album is called what? You wanna do what? Well… um… send me the list and I’ll see if they’re available.

[Tears list off fax. Walks back to phone, reading]

Kelli: …Graham Bonnet …Alice …Paul Stanley. Wow, really? …Glenn and Joe …JLT

[He looks up and sees Steve Vai.]

Kelli: Hey Steve, you wanna play on a song called “My Reflections on Seeing the ‘Schindler’s List’ Movie”?

Steve Vai: Are you making fun of me?

[Sometime later, backstage at a venue somewhere. Billy Gibbons answers the phone]

Billy Gibbons: Oh yeah guys, yes I got the song. I can do it now if you like. I’ll just sing into the phone. How will that be? A solo too? [deep sigh] OK. What? Two songs!

[A glamorous bedroom. A girl in a bikini walks over to the bed with a phone. Paul Stanley looks up from counting a huge pile of money]

Paul Stanley: Sure, I’m not doing anything! Yes, of course I love the song. The money’s been wired to my account, yes?

None of this probably happened, but I’d like to think that it did, because that would make this at least as awesome as Spinal Tap. In fact, Pushking is what Spinal Tap would be if they were a real band, came from Russia, and wrote diabolical melodic rock power ballads. And sucked. Really, really sucked.

The World as We Love It features some of the worst melodic rock songs I’ve ever heard. There’s nothing about them that’s good. They aren’t even so-bad-they’re-good. They’re just fucking atrocious. Even the performances by some of the greatest names in rock – Alice Cooper, Paul Stanley, Billy motherfucking Gibbons – are poor, like they were all embarrassed to be part of it but couldn’t say no because Russian Mafia guys were holding their families hostage. There’s really no other way to explain it. I mean just look at this list of guests: Nuno Bettencourt. Steve Lukather. Joe Bonnamassa. Joe Lynn Turner. Jeff Scott Soto. Dan McCafferty. John Lawton. And none of them can save it. Not even Glenn Hughes!

This album is so bad it made me wish I was listening to Limp Bizkit instead. I would have been less ashamed if I’d been caught masturbating outside a school.

1. Intro
2. Nightrider
3. It”ll be OK
4. Troubled Love
5. Stranger’s Song
6. Cut the Wire
7. My Reflections After Seeing the ‘Schindler’s List’ Movie
8. God Made Us Free
9. Why Don’t You?
10. I Believe
11. Tonight
12. Private Own
13. Open Letter to God
14. Nature’s Child
15. I Love You
16. Head Shooter
17. Heroin
18. My Simple Song
19. Kukarracha