Let’s face it. Christmas songs and carols pretty much suck. Some, like ‘Jingle Bells’ and ‘Joy to the World’, aren’t even Christmas songs, just seasonal ditties and hymns that have been co-opted into the tradition.

Still, at this time of year it’s almost impossible to go anywhere without hearing these travesties wherever you go, so we’ve come up with five Christmas tracks you can play to counter the ‘White Christmas’ offensive. There’s plenty more we could have added, but it’s Christmas Eve and I want a beer. Have a good one.

BON JOVI: Back Door Santa
Nothing says cheese more than Christmas songs and Bon Jovi, and here they are together from a charity album from 1987. Sure, it’s still crap, but at least it’s better than Farnsey and Livvy doing ‘Let it Snow’ for an album being sold during Christmas in Australia.

AC/DC: Mistress for Christmas
A fun deep album cut from The Razors Edge that really shows off their mischievous side. Halestorm has since done a version that, considering the subject matter, is just about as rock as it’s possible to be.

RAMONES: Merry Christmas (I Don’t Wanna Fight Tonight)
Do we have to explain this one? It’s the fucking RAMONES.

KING DIAMOND: No Presents for Christmas
All hail the King! Far more than the throwaway track it appears on the surface, it’s King Diamond making a statement about the commercialisation of tradition the best way he knows how.

Has there been a more rocking version of an already rocking Christmas song? No, of course there fucking hasn’t. If you don’t play this at your neighbours on Christmas Day, you can go to hell.