Since we first came on line as Loud Online in 2010, the crew here have reviewed literally hundreds of releases from bands big and small, from all over the world. To suggest they have all enriched our lives in some way would be far from the truth. Many are soon forgotten and some are remembered for exactly the wrongs reasons. Indeed, while some sites might celebrate a significant anniversary with a writer-curated list of 10, 20 or 50 of the best releases from an arbitrary period of time, we’ve decided to revisit those we thought sucked the most. The ones that fell far short of expectations, the misfired experiments, and those that we thought were simply awful.
So here they are, twenty of the albums with the lowest ratings we’ve ever featured on the site. We know plenty won’t agree, and we don’t care. If we did, we wouldn’t do what we do. You can check out the actual reviews by clicking the accompanying links, plus you can tell us what you consider to be the most suckiest album you know, and maybe win something – details after the article.
EPICA: The Holographic Principle (45%): Symphonic metal can be overdone at the best of times, but Epica took this aspect to new lows with this album, “a seriously tiring and ultimately empty listening experience”, where they dispense with any diversity they may have previously invested in their work “in favour of complete blow-your-face-out pomposity”. The songs were “unmemorable” and “every track begins to fade into the one before and after without anything substantial standing out”. But at least it wasn’t as bad as the other albums on this list.
LINKIN PARK: The Hunting Party (42%): We accused Linkin Park of maintaining their mediocrity with this album, “still laden with over the top synthesised odds and ends and Mike Shinoda’s once powerful rap lines are now poorly lyricised verses that get lost amongst the wreckage”. Guests like Page Hamilton, Daron Malikian and Tom Morello didn’t help things out much with lame lyrics and potentially decent songs that get lost “amongst electronic ambience and obscure drums.”
MOSS: Horrible Night (40%): “It would be difficult to find a band with a more minimalist approach than Moss” is how we started the review of this British doom band’s third album. With vocals that bore “resemblance to a cross between a young Ozzy and a very stoned Lee Dorrian” and what seemed to be the same riff in every song, “repeated endlessly at varying degrees of agonising slowness”, Horrible Night is just incredibly boring.
I KILLED THE PROM QUEEN: Beloved (40%): Adelaide’s metalcore pioneers returned in early 2014 but the results were so mediocre, “It’s almost as if they just didn’t care”. Beloved was “a showcase for some of the most unimaginative song writing imaginable … a collection of standard metalcore breakdowns, boring riffs, uninteresting and constantly-recycled melody lines, flat, lifeless drumming and Jamie Hope’s annoying vocals”. While others got a little more excited than we did about this, it’s probably not that surprising they haven’t done anything since.
HALO OF GUNFIRE: Conjuring the Damned (37%): “So blatantly derivative and lacking in ambition that it’s borderline offensive,” we wrote about this California death metal band’s debut album, that came with a press release “littered with more superlatives than a newspaper story about rugby league superstar Jarryd Hayne”, so we should have known it would be shitty. Apparently this band still exists, but their recording career seems to have lasted as long as Hayne’s run in the NFL, and their Facebook hasn’t been updated since they declared they were “back, bitches” in 2018.
QUEENSRŸCHE: Dedicated to Chaos (34%): “When Queensrÿche try to address the same clichés every other band is obsessed with, while adding dance-oriented arrangements, you know the results aren’t going to be pretty” warns the review of this 2011 release by one of metal’s best bands. “Big Noize is truly abhorrent. It’s one of the most discordant, tuneless, unmusical things ever released,” it goes on, before awarding the whole mess one of the lowest scores ever recorded on our website.
BITCH: Be My Slave/Damnation Alley (33%): Bitch was an LA metal band who were the first act signed to Metal Blade records. “Embarrassingly terrible”, “laughably bad” and “awful” is how we described several songs on the 30th anniversary re-release of both their albums. “The music itself is passable and Betsy’s wail is rather impressive, and the barebones production makes them sound like a garage-ish, punkier version of Warlock but the songs are so ridiculously sleazy even W.A.S.P.’s early stuff pales in comparison” which was fine enough for 1981, but almost 40 years later is just terribly dated.
LOU REED & METALLICA: Lulu (30%): Nine years on and this is still hard to comprehend. “To adequately describe what’s gone wrong here would require the emptying-out of an entire drawer of words to describe terrible mistakes that I’ve never used before” is what we said about an experiment that was always going to be either brilliant or awful. In the end, “it is ill-conceived, self-indulgent, jarring, tedious, over-long and simply too bizarre to be successful. It’s a brave, strange and curious project, but in the end it’s the art-rock album the world could have done without.”
MORBID ANGEL: Illud Divinum Insanus (25%): Almost universally recognised as one of the worst metal albums of all time, Morbid Angel’s over-hyped reunion with David Vincent “falls immediately flat with six and a half minutes of totally misguided, half-arsed industrialised bullshit like a bad Front Line Assembly cover band fucking the Genitorturers and coming up with Marilyn Manson, but worse.” That’s how we described second track Too Extreme!. By the end of the review we had almost run out of adjectives to describe how awful this fall from grace was, but while some were “already calling this the St. Anger of death metal, that’s not accurate. St. Anger was the sound of a band trying to hold something together as their world went to pieces. Illud Divinum Insanus is that of a band crashing spectacularly and not even realising, and unlike Metallica, Morbid Angel don’t even have the rigours of immense fame to blame. Metallica spent three albums and more than a decade on devolving their sound; Morbid Angel has done it in one stroke, for no apparent reason.” They still haven’t recovered.
BRET MICHAELS: Custom Built (20%): It would surprise no one to learn that the lead singer from Poison’s solo album would be terrible. Just how terrible, however, we would soon learn when this album was released to accompany his TV career, or something. “A strange jumble of new tracks with a bunch of re-mixes, demo takes and re-issues thrown on to push it out to album length that ultimately serves no purpose” was how we described it. “The blend of genres is all over the place, a confused and jarring hodge-podge of musical styles.” If things could get worse, there was a duet with Miley Cyrus: “singing flat and hopelessly off-key as if she’s never even heard the song before. Her performance is so bad, it makes you wonder how it was allowed to be released.” We are still wondering.
SYMFONIA: In Paradisum (20%): Ex-Stratovarius guitarist Timo Tolkki’s one-off passion project was “predictable, unimaginative, uninspiring and bland, featuring the same ideas [he] ran out of more than a decade ago” featuring “cast-offs from every other power metal band that’s ever existed” including guys from Angra, Sonata Arctica and Helloween. At nearly an hour long, In Paradisum was “ten tracks of risably awful power metal pap” “without a single original element”. Even the hive mind at Metal-Archives deemed this to be worthless, averaging 35% from 11 reviews. That’s more than it got here.
THE AMITY AFFLICTION: This Could be Heartbreak (20%): TAA reached their probable nadir with an album so predictable, another website wrote a pretty accurate review of it without even needing to hear it. Of it, we said is was: “the epitome of music for the masses, unmemorable background-filling dross for the spoonfed” where the first four songs were basically identical. “The Amity Affliction,” we went on to say, “are officially the most predictable rock band on the planet, … so successful [at] producing half-baked over-produced musical regurgitation they seem to have developed such contempt for their audience they can’t even be bothered pretending their songs are actually different anymore.” It still went to #1, of course.
SAINT ASONIA: Flawed Design (20%): “Post-grunge just doesn’t seem to want to go away” remarked our reviewer here, before suggesting that this second album from post-grunge supergroup Saint Asonia is “pretty much the same shit they played in their other bands, but even more dull”. Little love was offered for anything on offer, closing with the suggestion that “unless you really, really love Adam Gontier’s voice for some reason or you’re a fan of soulless, un-inventive rock with muted, repetitive churn riffs, there is absolutely no value in this album.” Harsh.
NIGHTWISH: Human. :||: Nature. (20%): Nightwish’s previous album didn’t rate too well with us either (“a flat, lifeless, overproduced waste of an hour and a half better spent doing almost anything else”) but this year’s release saw them “a step further in their quest for irrelevance to the world of rock”. Suggesting that two-thirds of the band are effectively wasted (and not in the good way), our review said this album was “ is tepid, cheesy, uninteresting and self-referential,” “a boring, self-indulgent waste” and Nightwish’s “worst album so far.” But apparently it sold a shit-ton, so we obviously know nothing.
SONIC SYNDICATE: We Rule the Night (15%): Sonic Syndicate were one of the hot new bands on the scene for about a minute and a half a decade or so ago, then their main songwriter left and they made an album of music that was “hollow, boring and annoying” and “something like what would happen if Linkin Park had really bad sex with My Chemical Romance”. At the time, this was our lowest-ever scoring album.
PUSHKING: The World as We Love It (10%): This album from a bunch of Russian has-beens was so bad, “it made me wish I was listening to Limp Bizkit instead”, laden with “some of the worst melodic rock songs I’ve ever heard”. To make matters worse, they somehow co-opted legitimate rock stars to contribute, but “even the performances by some of the greatest names in rock – Alice Cooper, Paul Stanley, Billy motherfucking Gibbons – are poor, like they were all embarrassed to be part of it but couldn’t say no because Russian Mafia guys were holding their families hostage”. It somehow managed to score 10%, though.
CROSSON: Invincible (10%): There’s really little to like about Sydney rocker Crosson’s Invincible, unless it’s to marvel at “level of self-delusion that allowed a work of such incredible ineptitude to be created and then actually unleashed on the world”. This is simply an example of ambition over ability, and “in terms of arrangement and overall songwriting skill, Crosson is simply overwhelmed by his own limitations” is about as polite as we could be here.
SIX FEET UNDER: Graveyard Classics VI: The Number of the Priest (0%): Chris Barnes and his dial-a-band crew do the worst Priest and Maiden covers ever deliberately recorded on this limited release. “It’s a 200-copy limited edition pressing, but even that’s too many!” screamed our review. “ That money and time was wasted on creating this complete pile of shit is affrontery to the multitude of bands with talent and something to say currently wallowing in poverty and obscurity”, not to mention an insult to the bands it’s meant to be tributing.
CYHRA: No Halos in Hell (0%): The third of only three albums to ever score zero. “Almost fifty minutes of utter banality” and “an album of the same terrible songs repeated over and over” were just two of the epithets used to describe this second album from ex-members of In Flames and Amaranthe. There’s little more to say, really.
KING 810: Memoirs of a Murderer (0%): Hailed as music’s new nadir by us when it came out, this album was the first to score zero out of 100. “67 minutes of the dumbest, crudest nu-metal that has ever existed” was how we described the music, and as for the band itself, well: “If Fred Durst had his brain excised, and teamed up with a bunch of guys who’d just been fired from the world’s worst Slipknot cover band for sucking too much, that would still be a better band than this”.
Tell us about the album you think is the worst, and you could win a copy of Five Finger Death Punch’s F8 album, fully autographed. Nominate your least favourite album, tell us why it sucks in 20 words or so, and email us at ua.mo1600691970c.gam1600691970duol@1600691970lairo1600691970tide1600691970 to enter.